So it’s half past two in the morning, and I can’t sleep. Why? Because I have a million and one completely irrational thoughts screwing with the inside of my head. All of this set off because my other half starts his work placement in a few weeks and asked if I minded just staying over at the weekends…In my head that’s him trying to tell me in the nicest possible way that he doesn’t want to see me anymore and it’s over.
My paranoia comes from a mixture of my own insecurities and one too many people “not wanting to hurt me”, so I’ve learnt to get in their first and call an end to things before they get to serious. Except things have got serious (I think) and suddenly the little voice in the back of my mind is whispering all the things I don’t want to hear…
“He’ll find someone else”, “your boring him”, you’re not pretty enough”, (my hang up on appearance is a whole other blog so I’m not going into that now). It gets to the point where I doubt everything and everyone, I’m conscious of everything I do and say and the world suddenly becomes a very dark place.
Then the scratching begins, the constant picking of my head until it bleeds (probably me trying to tell the little voice to shut up). The truth is I like the pain, it’s almost a release when I draw blood, like a five second clarity of everything. It sends me into what I can only describe as a hypnotic state of mind where the pain is the only thing I can feel, its almost euphoric.
I can’t imagine never not being paranoid in a relationship (probably why I don’t usually stick at them) this scares me because I know it’ll probably be the thing that breaks us. And I would only have myself to blame if it does. Yes I have my reasons why, I’ve been cheated on, used, hurt, but he is not them…
Christ I wish that little voice would shut up!